When I was twelve, he broke my heart
by noideagirl
Summary: 'You know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding right' I sneered at James. A Lily/James oneshot from Lily's POV. Slightly AU.


Disclaimer: Any character that you recognise here are property of J. K. Rowling (unfortunately), I'm just borrowing them for this story.

* * *

_When I was five, we met for the first time._

My mother and father had always attended important functions related to their diplomacy work. I didn't understand at all, and until I was five, the first time I met _him_, I wasn't allowed to go with them.

I was always sent to spend time with my godmother, a lovely young lady called Arabella Figg, who lived down the street with her husband Richard.

However that night - the first function that mom and dad had been invited to after I'd turned five - I was finally allowed to join them, after watching them take Petunia with them for more than year.

I was excited, but terrified.

'Mom' I said in a small voice, just before we left.

'Yes, honey?' She asked, distractedly.

'Can I bring Raggles with me?' I requested, my chin wobbling from suppressed tears.

'Lily.' She started, reprimanding, before noticing the tears about to flood my eyes.

She sighed.

'How about you bring your bag and Raggles can stay in there? Would that be alright?'

I nodded vigorously. 'Thank you Mommy!' I ran off to get my bag and my stuffed dog, Raggles.

We arrived at the function, and unlike what I'd expected, it seemed boring and stuffy. There were hardly any kids around at all, except me and Tuny, and there were just tables everywhere with food. I huffed. Who was I supposed to play with? At least at the Figgs, Arabella would play with me or let me play with her cats.

Mom and Dad sat us down at an official looking table near the middle of the room, and joined us on either side. They started long and convoluted conversations with the people next to them, almost completely ignoring me and Tuny.

Half an hour later (at least that's what Tuny said - proud that she knew how to read the time and I didn't), a new family walked into the large room.

I saw them enter with pleasure; they had a young boy with them, about my age. I knew instantly that we were going to have fun together, at least for the night.

'Mom! Mom!' I tugged on her sleeve. She turned exasperated. 'Yes Lily?'

'Can I go play?' I said, pointing to the boy.

She sighed, 'What did I say about pointing.'

I ducked my head. 'It's rude. Sorry mommy.' I raised my head to pout at her. 'But can I? Please mommy?'

My dad interrupted, 'It's alright Anna, I'll take her over. I need to talk to them, anyway.'

I bounced out of my chair immediately. 'Thank you daddy!'

I followed him over to the couple and their boy.

'Hello boy!' I said eagerly to the boy who was facing his parents looking bored, sticking my hand out to shake. 'I'm Lily.' I introduced myself grinning.

He turned to face me, looked at me for a moment, then smiled. 'Hello Lily.' His eyes brightened. 'Do you want to have some fun?'

* * *

_When I was seven, he was my best friend. _

'Lily! Liiillllyyyyy'

I was hiding in the bushes outside my house. We were playing hide-and-seek. I stood absolutely still in the bushes, so he wouldn't find me.

'Lily-kins!' He shouted, his voice drawing out the syllables.

I stifled my laughter, at his silly voice.

'I know you're out here, pretty Lily.'

I was trembling in anticipation of being caught, eyes wide, as if with fear, but the feral grin on my face gave me away.

'Are you in the - BUSHES!' He shouted, jumping on top of me as he said the last word. We tumbled out of the bushes together, and rolled around on the grass in a mock fight until he subdued me.

'I win!' He exclaimed before jumping up and doing a happy dance.

I tackled him to the ground before he could react.

'Shut up, doofus.' I said grinning.

A door opened near us.

'Lily? Dinner time'

I jumped up. 'Dinner!' and dragged him to his feet.

I run to the backdoor of my house, dragging him behind me. At the door, I look down at myself, my pretty floral dress covered in mud and leaves and grass.

'Look what you did, doofus! Mum's gonna kill me.' I screeched and gave him a shove.

He gave a grinned as he looked down at himself. 'My mum's gonna kill me too, so we're even.' He proclaimed.

'Nahuh! It's all your fault!' I retaliated.

'Nahuh!'

'Yessss' I retorted dragging the 's' through my teeth. 'You jumped on me!'

'You suggested we play.'

'Well you were bored!'

'Only because you weren't talking to me.'

'It's not my fault you can't have fun by yourself.'

He pouted.

I gave a giggle.

'Come on, doofus. To dinner!' I pointed, and we marched as if troops to the living room.

Dad and mom smiled at the two of us as we walked in, whilst Petunia rolled her eyes.

She never got along with James Potter.

* * *

_When I was 10, they told us about the arrangement._

'Lily. James. We want to tell you something.' Our parents had sat us down in the lounge room after dinner for a serious conversation.

We were seated on the couch together, holding hands, curiosity burning through us.

'Now, we know you might be a bit young for this, but we thought it best if we tell you now, before you go off to school.' My dad spoke.

We nodded, eager to find out what our parents had to say, but even more eager to the conversation to be over so we could go play outside.

'When the two of you met, and got along so well, we made... arrangements' James' mother said, softly, caringly.

'The two of you are in an arranged marriage.' My mother continued. 'A contract, you'll have to marry each other when you both come of age.'

My dad spoke up. 'You'd like that, wouldn't you?' He looked particularly at me. 'You and James being together like me and your mother are.'

James and I looked at each other, thoughtfully.

I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather be with for the rest of my life. I smiled.

James smiled back.

'Sounds great, Rob.' James responded.

My dad smiled. 'Call me, dad.'

* * *

_When I was twelve, he broke my heart._

I was in the library with Severus, one of my best friends, studying for potions. I looked at the time. It was half an hour before curfew.

'Oh Severus! I have to go, I'm supposed to be meeting James in a minute' I cried, hurriedly packing up my books.

He stood calmly, packing up his things as well. 'I'll walk with you, it's on my way anyway.'

In the years since James and I had been told about our marriage, we'd remained best friends. However, since arriving at the school, we'd both acquired other friends as well. I, the lonesome, enigmatic, Slytherin I'd met in the months before my acceptance letter, James, the rowdy, intelligent group of three who shared a carriage with him on the first train ride. Whilst we got along with each other's friends, our friends did not get along. His best friend, Sirius Black, despised all things Slytherin, and made things difficult for Severus whenever he could. I could only be glad that James put a stop to it whenever he could.

We heaved our heavy, book filled bags over our shoulders and headed to the Great Hall, chatting.

Just before the corner to turn towards the Great Hall, we heard other voices, unusual at this hour. I stopped, momentarily, startled.

Afterwards, I'd wish it had been more than a moment's pause.

We turned the corner quickly, and came upon a sight that torn my heart in two.

James in the arms of another woman.

James kissing - no snogging - Florence Alexandra Young.

I turned and fled, Severus hurrying after me, almost silently, his robes billowing as he tried to keep up.

I ran through the castle doors.

I heard a soft, imploring 'Lily' and turned to show my tearstained face.

Severus encased me in his arms. 'Oh Lily.'

I sobbed onto his chest until dawn broke.

Only then did I speak. 'I never told you, Severus. I never told anyone.' I met his eyes with my bloodshot ones. 'James and I have an arranged marriage.' My eyes sank to the ground. 'Why would he do this to me?'

Severus had no answer.

* * *

_When I was fourteen, he was my worst enemy._

After the betrayal, I didn't speak to him. He didn't know why until Severus confronted him about several weeks later. The whole thing - somehow, inexplicably - caused a war. A war between me, Severus and anyone who befriended me, and James with his trio of pranksters. Severus was no longer protected from attacks from Sirius, in fact, now he was the target, the ultimate way to humiliate and destroy me. They say you should know your enemies well - James certainly knew me well, he knew that the sure-fire way to hurting me was through the people I cared about. Sometimes I wished I was as vindictive as he - and used HIS loyalty against HIM.

But time went past, and it all became natural -James hating me, me hating James. Our friends hating us, and each other. We were merely a spectacle for others to watch.

'You foul harpy! What did you do to my books!' his voice rang in my ears, interrupting me from my book as I sat reading beside the fire.

I didn't even look up, as he tried to shove his books in my face. 'I didn't do anything to your books.'

'Oh and who did then?' He growled.

'How should I know!' I looked up then, yelling at him, frustrated, infuriated. Of course the common room was filled with people watching us. It always was.

'Of course you know! It's always your fault!' He screamed back.

'Just shut the hell up, asshole!' I screeched.

His expression flickered for a moment, before he leant down to whisper in my ear, 'I liked it better when you called me "doofus"' he said, sneering.

That's the other way he liked to hurt me, by reminding me of our past.

'Yeah, well that's never going to happen again.' I stated, standing up. 'You made sure of that.'

He grabbed my arms tightly, dragging me towards him to again whisper in my ear. 'I'm sure I'll find a way somehow.' He replied, still sneering. 'After all, I have plenty of time. Don't I, fiancé?'

I struggled in his arms, violently trying to escape. 'As if I'd want to marry you!' I hissed.

He grinned, evilly. 'So beloved mummy and daddy didn't explain it to you? It's a magical contract, Lily-kins. It happens or we die.'

I froze, staring up at his face in horror. 'You lie.' I whispered hoarsely.

His smirk widened. 'Poor ickle Lily-kins, it's death or a loving, fulfilling, lifelong binding to me.' He purposefully, sarcastically extending and emphasising all the words in the second option.

Tears started leaking out of my eyes. 'I'd rather die than be stuck with you.'

He pulled me closer into his arms, in any other occasion, it might even have seemed romantic. I was horrified though. 'Believe me, Lily, that's not an option for you.' He stated. It sounded like a threat.

Again, I struggled violently and managed to tear myself out of his arms and rush upstairs to my dorm. I didn't come out for hours.

* * *

_When I was sixteen, he lost me the only other best friend I'd ever had._

Severus and I had agreed that he'd meet me at the lake with the girls after the DADA exam. The girls; Emmaline, Alice and Marlene weren't particularly fond of Severus, but they never hated him and they always treated him fine, it was only in the privacy of our dorms that their distaste for him was acknowledged.

For that I was grateful, I needed all the friends I could get, considering James had never let up his torture.

He'd even recently taken to asking me out, a cruel way of mocking me of the dreadful future I was fated to spend with him.

Ten minutes after the girls and I had settled down at the lake, Severus has still not appeared. I stood up; brushing myself off and started heading back to the castle to find him, only to see a sight I dreaded.

In front of me was the Marauders, and Severus.

James and Sirius had their wands pointed at him, as he struggled helplessly on the ground.

At the distance, I couldn't hear what they were saying, but the moment James hexed Severus, I knew the hex that had been used. Pink bubbles streamed from Severus' mouth, and as I knew that he could choke on it, fury boiled inside of me.

'Leave him ALONE!'

James and Sirius turned around abruptly. James's free hand immediately jumped to his hair in that annoying mannerism he'd acquired.

'All right, Evans?' he said, attempting to sound pleasant, making his voice deeper, more mature, as if that was going to change a thing.

'Leave him alone,' I repeated. I glared at him for good measure. 'What's he done to you?'

'Well,' said James, apparently needing to think about it, 'it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…'

I scowled, more like the fact that he exists around me, I thought, but I knew he was just trying to get a rise.

'You think you're funny,' I said coldly. 'But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.'

'I will if you go out with me, Evans,' James suggested quickly, a cruel smirk on his face. 'Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.'

I could see that Severus was beginning to recover, and hoped to give him a chance to get away, so I stalled for a moment, but not long enough for James to get bored.

After the pause, I sneered at him. 'I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,' I replied, knowing that in years to come I wouldn't even have that option.

Sirius seemed to realise that too, as he interrupted, obviously bored by the conversation 'Bad luck, Prongs,' he said, and then turned back to Snape. 'OI!'

Severus had quickly snatched up his wand, and cast Sectumsempra on James. The use of that curse caused me to frown, but an instant later he was hanging upside down in the air. The crowd laughed.

I was furious, although a part of me also thought it was adequate punishment for using such a dark curse. However I wasn't going to show that to James. 'Let him down!' I growled.

'Certainly,' said James and he dropped Severus to the ground, giving him barely enough time to recover before Sirius petrified him where he stood.

'LEAVE HIM ALONE!' I shouted, thoroughly sick of this whole situation. I had my own wand out now.

'Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you,' James said, eyeing my wand with a little fear. He had reason enough; he'd been at the receiving end of it many times.

'Take the curse off him, then!' I snarled.

He sighed deeply, then released Severus. 'There you go,' he said mockingly, as Snape struggled to his feet. 'You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus -'

'I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!'

My heart stopped, all I could do was blink. 'Fine,' I said coolly. 'I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.'

'Apologise to Evans!' James screamed, his wand pointing back at Severus.

This infuriated me, what right had he to get angry about someone hurting me, when he did it every day. 'I don't want you to make him apologise,' I shouted, rounding on James. 'You're as bad as he is.'

'What?' James yelled, outraged. 'I'd NEVER call you a - you-know-what!'

'Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can - I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK.'

And then I ran, before anyone could say anything else to hurt me.

* * *

_When I was eighteen, he changed my life and my name._

I was in the change room, getting ready for supposedly the best day of my life. I'd been crying for weeks leading up to this, but now I had no more tears left. My mother, apologetic, despondent, had been trying to cheer me up since the whole thing was announced, but really there was nothing that anyone could do to make me feel better.

I was here, putting on my white dress, about to be married to the one person I hated.

'Lily?' My mother questioned, trying to snap me out of my thoughts.

I waved her away; 'I'll be fine, you go ahead, I just need a minute' I didn't check to see if she went.

I stood staring at myself in the mirror, feeling like I was looking at someone else.

My vision blurred momentarily.

'Lily.'

I jumped, and spun to face the person who'd spoken.

My face twisted. 'You know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding right?' I sneered at James.

His face was serious, and it didn't flicker at my words. 'Lily.' He strode towards me until he was right in front of me.

His hand reached for a moment and lightly stroked my cheek before he turned abruptly away, ignoring my flinch at his touch.

'I'm sorry.'

My eyes widened. 'What?'

He turned back to face me, 'I'm sorry' he repeated, empathically.

'For what, in particular?' I sneered.

'For everything. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for you to hate me.' His eyes closed, briefly as if it hurt to even think about. 'I just... I just didn't know how to deal with you ignoring me, so I did what I could to get your attention. I hate that it's come to this. I hate that you're being forced to marry me, when all I want is for you to love me. I've always loved you, Lily, and I always will.'

I stepped back in shock, my mouth hanging wide. After everything that happened, this was what I least expected to happen.

He was silent as he allowed me to process everything he'd just said.

'So... so why did you kiss Florence if you loved me the whole time?'

He gave a short, bitter laugh as he threw his hands up as if in despair. 'Because I was a stupid thirteen year old boy who didn't realise what he was feeling... what I was feeling. I've regretted that moment ever since it happened. If I could go back... I would give anything to go back and change it.'

I was speechless, my mouth flailed trying to form words, but nothing came out.

A moment passed in silence. 'Why didn't you say anything?' I asked, accusingly.

He sighed. 'Would you have believed me?'

I didn't know that answer to that, so I just shrugged.

His mouth twisted, bitterly, but he said nothing for another moment.

'I know this probably doesn't change how you feel about me, Lily, but I had to tell you before - before we got married, so we could maybe start this marriage off on a better footing.'

'You love me?' I wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement.

'Yes, with all my heart.' He paused, looking at me, unsure. 'I don't suppose - do you - could you - possibly...' he bit his lip. 'Do you think you could ever learn to love me?'

I looked at the ground, as if it would answer the questions.

I took a deep breath. 'James, I've always loved you. I mean, there's always been a little part of my heart that was exclusively yours, but...' I shook my head. 'I don't know if I could ever trust you with the rest of it. You've hurt me so much. I just... I don't know.'

He let out a short laugh. 'Well, at least that's better than I expected.'

He held out his hand. 'Lily, I going to marry you now, and I'll spend the rest of my life striving to make you happy, and hope that one day you'll love me like I love you.'

* * *

_When I was 19, I learnt to love him... again._

The year since we'd gotten married had passed surprisingly easily, and quickly. He kept true to his promise, and did everything to try to make me happy.

It was hard to reconcile who he'd been during our years at Hogwarts, and who he was now.

It seemed he'd become the James from before, my James.

It got harder and harder to keep myself from letting him in, to keep myself from forgiving him.

I don't know when it happened exactly, but somehow, I fell back in love with him.

It took me forever to realise though.

I discovered how I felt, one night, just towards the end of 1979 and the end of the first year of our marriage. James was out, doing Order work.

I always sat around at home when he was gone, waiting for him to come back. No matter how much I felt I couldn't trust him with my heart, I felt I had to be there if he needed me.

He'd left the house late afternoon, so when he'd not come back by midnight, I was terrified.

What would happen if he'd been caught, killed? And why did that thought bother me so much.

I was pacing the house, muttering to myself, 'He can't be gone. He can't because I.. I need him.'

That sentence forced me to stop. 'Why?' I asked myself. 'Why do I need him?'

And that was when I realised I loved him. Completely. With all my heart.

But my heart stopped. He wasn't home. He wasn't back. How could I work out that I loved him when he could possibly be gone forever?

A sound downstairs caught my attention. It could be James, but it could be... I didn't want to think of the possibilities.

I hurried silently downstairs, my wand gripped tightly in my hand.

I found James in the living room, covered in blood. I let out a cry of horror.

'James!' I rushed to his side.

He wearily looked at me, letting me take his weight and lead him to the couch. I made a move to lie him down. He protested. 'I'll get blood on your couch, Lils. Your favourite couch.'

I hushed him. 'I don't care! Just lie down, and I'll heal you.'

He let himself be placed on the couch and I started healing him.

He had a long gash on his left side that I healed first to stop the bleeding. As I concentrated on healing the smaller wounds, my right hand trailed softly over the scars.

He turned his head to look at me, curiously, his eyes unfocused. 'You're being particularly caring tonight, Lils.' He stated softly.

A small smile curved on my face. 'Shush, doofus.'

A smile spread across his face, as he drifted off to sleep.

A few hours later he woke, to find me still seated beside him stroking his hand, my eyes closed. 'Lily?'

I opened my eyes to gaze at him. My eyes darkened with concern. 'Oh James!' I exclaimed as I threw myself at him.

His arms wrapped around me instantaneously. 'What's the matter Lils? Did something happen when I was gone?'

I pulled back, a loving smile on my face. 'Oh James, don't ever scare me like that again!'

He pulled me back into an embrace. 'I'll do it again and again, if it keeps you looking at me like that.' He whispered in my ear.

I smacked his arm playfully. A smile wouldn't leave my face.

I turned serious. 'James. Oh James... I don't know what I would have done if you weren't alright.' Tears welled in my eyes at the thought of it. 'I love you. I love you so much.' I buried my head in his shoulder, as I cried for what I could have lost.

His arms tightened around me. 'I love you too, Lils.'

We didn't sleep that night. Because finally, we found comfort and love, in each other's arms.

* * *

This is a little bit AU, I know, after all, James and Lily supposedly got together in seventh year... but I figured no one would want to tell a teenager who'd never met their parents, that the only reason that they married was a contract.

I liked the idea that Arabella babysat Lily when she was young, that way Petunia isn't a complete bitch making Harry stay there, she's actually allowing him to be closer to his mom, even if he doesn't know it.

I couldn't decide whether I should continue this until their death (it would be only one or two more scenes), so I eventually just stuck with this. If enough people want more, I'll write more.

Anyway, reviews are love.

Noideagirl


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